The F Word Oh Hell No (Not Gordon Ramsay!)
by Louisa taylor
Summary: Preview: Bella and Jasper are married, living in a brownstone in New York Year is 2020, both are vampires, Bella works for Claridges as a Sioux Chef in Time-square New York and Gordon Ramsay is her boss and her 'singer', one day he goes too far and pisses off Bella, so she takes a bite out of his shoulder and accidently turns him...


Oh Hell no! Not Gordon Ramsay! (Parody) (One-shot)

Preview: Bella and Jasper are married, living in a brownstone in New York 2020, both are vampires, Bella works for Claridges as a Soux Chef in Timesquare New York and Gordon Ramsay is her boss and her 'singer', one day he goes too far and pisses off Bella, so she takes a bite out of his shoulder and accidently turns him. Jasper laughs so hard when Bella carries him back to their apartment that he phones Edward and Alice who then phones Carlisle...

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"I want the desserts on the fucking counter ready to go in five seconds yesterday, not fucking tomorrow Mrs Whitlock" I growled at his stupid ass "I am the best fuckin' soux chef you got darlin', don't push me, you fuckhead." I was this close to making a meal out of Mr Big-head, the Gordon Ramsay himself. Gordon threw my perfectly good cake in the bin. It was a double chocolate and strawberry sponge/fruit layered with butter-cream, then he swore at me and that was it.

I pulled him out of the kitchen with a guise of standing up to his shouty sweary big-headed self and threw him into the industrial fridge. The power of my throw left a dent in the huge fridges. I heard the voices of his matr'edee and the other chefs. I knelt down pushing aside Gordon's collar, my rage was truly with me as I bit down on Gordon's shoulder and he screamed so I slammed my hand over his mouth which broke the skin on his lips. "I told you not to piss me off!" I roared and I leapt through the back entrance with Gordon on my shoulder knocked out cold, he was very strange human, most would be screaming like they were on fire. But no! not freakin' Gordon freakin' Ramsay. I reached my apartment through the back alleys and climbed up the fire stairs to the fifth floor where Jasper greeted me with a grimace. "Oh hell no, Bella, you turned you're dick-head boss?"

"Yes, I turned him, I meant to drain him, he's my singer!" I whined "Kill me now Jasper!"

"Why?" Jasper asked as he rubbed my tense shoulders "Because now he's going to be a vampire with a super big-headed ego who can cook! Oh god, he can't be with his children and his wife. This is my fault, you told me he would be a fuckin' asshole and did I listen, no, it was like I was in a newborn's rage in her first year!"

And just like that, Jasper started chuckling then that turned into a fully formed belly laugh as he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my lips. "Let me get this straight, you are more worried about Gordon being a vampire with a super big-headed ego who can cook like a demon and his wife and children than being fried like crispy bacon by Gordon Ramsay?"

"Well, yeah!" I snapped

"I don't think you can look after him in his newborn year, you have to hand him over to Carlisle, by the way, Carlisle is not Gordon Ramsay's biggest fan but he will work with what he's got, they have Emmett and Edward and Alice, I'll phone him and ask him to collect Gordon with Emmett as back-up" I cuddled into Jasper's shoulder "Forgive me, my love"

"There ain't nothin' to forgive, darlin' but next time you come across your blood-singer, drain'em then forgive yourself."

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"Edward, bro, is Carlisle there?"

"Sure, he just came in, here you are?"

"Jasper, son, is all okay in the big apple?"

"Um? Not really Carlisle, Bella's singer is her boss 'Gordon friggin' Ramsay! He's turning right now. I think he pushed her too far today and destroyed her master piece."

Edward and Alice gasped as their father figure who was so cultured, refined and gentlemanly swore up a storm and turned the air blue with foul language. "Oh hell no! Not Gordon fucking Ramsay, big-head extrordinaire. Oh god, I swear if he is a badly behaved Newborn who takes over our kitchen. I will burn him to ash, myself! Why Bella, of all the people who could have been your singer?" Carlisle passed the phone to Edward and proceeded to run to the thickest tree and head butt it over and over as he snarled in anger.

"Jasper, is this a rescue mission for you or Mr big-head Gordon Ramsay?" Edward snickered

"Us, I will not stand him around Bella, she is naturally irritated and enraged by his very prescence."

Carlisle came in then and took back the "Keep him in the room,we will collect him, keep him under until he's in Forks! that means you come with us!"

"Oh Fuck!" Jasper swore.

A/N The End is nigh LOL This is a one shot that I thought of last night and even the thought of a super vampire chef made me laugh, but Gordon Ramsay as a badly behaved newborn with his super hotheaded ego and his passion about food made me laugh hard. can you imagine Gordon Ramsay with Red eyes. I can!


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